Tag Archives: Ezra Parter

Top 7 Hiking Destinations

By Ezra Parter

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Hiking Destinations in and around Seattle

7. Rattlesnake Ridge

Just a short 30 minute drive east from the city center, Rattlesnake Ridge offers a challenging hike for novices and a nice change of pace for those with a little more experience. With expansive views and a great variety of flora to explore, there’s always something intriguing to look at. Are there rattlesnakes there? No, but the name sure is alliterative!

Whatever you do, do not go in that building. The Falls are too pretty.
Whatever you do, do not go in that building. The Falls are too pretty.

6. Snoqualmie Falls

Who doesn’t love waterfalls? Who doesn’t love rhetorical questions? Better yet, who doesn’t love rhetorical questions about waterfalls!? The park rangers at Snoqualmie Falls, that’s who. They prefer to be able to answer hikers’ questions directly and concisely, by telling them about the history of the area or the best time to see the Falls at their largest. Hint: It’s springtime, because the snow melts into the river.

5. Carkeek Park

Not every hike has to be outside the city! Some are within city limits, like the trails at Carkeek Park. While there isn’t a mountain or lake at the end, there are plenty of great spots to dig! You shouldn’t hide anything too valuable there as the park is just as easy to access for kids and transients as it is for you, but what do I know? I just write about this topic for a living. You should trust me.

4. Smith Tower

It may not typically be considered a hike, but walking up every flight of stairs at Smith Tower is a significant challenge to your legs so it qualifies. Plus, if you go down to the basement, turn left at the men’s restroom sign, and enter the door labeled Janitor, you’ll find yourself in a dirt room perfect for burying treasure. The room spans eleven city blocks, so you’re sure to find some unused space. Don’t break the unwritten code: leave anything you find right where it was. The guards are always watching.

Mount Rainier is not as close as this image makes it look. You do have to hike there
Mount Rainier is not as close as this image makes it look. You do have to hike there

3. Mount Rainier

The summit is beautiful in the summer, like an unwashed gourd in an empty orchard struck just so by a ray of subtle moonlight. And speaking of moonlight, if you follow the light of a full moon as it bounces off of Reflection Lake you’ll be guided to the spot Roy Olmstead hid his bootlegging profits during prohibition! It’s empty now, but there’s plenty of space to stash your stash and the rock door still works if you can remember the incantation to awaken its ancient magic. It’s Beer before liquor, Roy Olmstead is quicker. And also a better bootlegger than you, Ralph. He liked to keep his staff humble.

2. Rachel Lake

Named for Rachel Marshall of Rachel’s Ginger Beer, Rachel Lake offers a treasure-burier an opportunity unlike anywhere else. Just an hour and a half east of the city, the titular lake at the end of the trail is the only lake on Earth with tunnels that lead directly to a former Native American burial chamber hidden directly below the water. While initially used to entomb leaders of various local tribes, the chamber has become a haven for pirates and hoarders alike. The ginger beer still flows like water, but according to testimonials Rachel herself hasn’t visited in centuries. Be sure to use a very distinctive X when you mark your spot to avoid any confusion. Sometimes it gets crowded down there!

1. The Bank

I won’t presume to know which bank is right for you, but all of them have great vaults to hide your stuff in. Plus, you don’t have to drive, hike, dig, or anything! Take an Uber, check your treasure in with the teller, and go about your day. Now that’s what I call living the good life! I have simple passions.

Maybe don't trust the teller if it's this guy.
Maybe don’t trust the teller if it’s this guy.

Editor’s Note: Don’t bother to look for Ezra’s treasure in any of these locations. He’s a blog writer, he doesn’t have any. Seriously. This isn’t a ploy to protect it or anything. 

Here Now Some History #21– The Day the Music Died

By Ezra Parter

 

August 10th is not a date that strikes fear in the masses. It’s not a date that reminds most of anything in particular. Sure, it was the date in 1675 when the first stone was laid in the construction of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London, and yeah it marked the first use of Agent Orange during the Vietnam War in 1961, and yes, 19 glorious years ago Kylie Jenner was born on this very date, but none of that history resonates with people today. Nobody cares about poor little August 10th.

This might be Kylie Jenner. Happy Birthday Kylie!
This might be Kylie Jenner. Happy Birthday Kylie!

But they should, for August 10, 1970 was a foundational moment in American pop culture. August 10, 1970 changed the way singers and songwriters interacted with their audience forever. August 10, 1970 changed, as they say, the game. That’s right reader, this very day in 1970 was the day legendary jazzman Don McLean witnessed the death of music.

You see, a long long time ago on October 2, 1945, Don McLean was born in New Rochelle, NY. But Don’s parents didn’t have time to look after him. His father was a goldsmith, always busy at the shop, and his mother spent her days powdering the noses of Broadway stars in the big city. She sold them cocaine. With two busy, industrious parents, Don was forced to entertain and sustain himself most days, and he did it in the only building that would let him– Pete Hornberger’Jazzy Whale Dojo in downtown New Rochelle.

The music at the Jazzy Whale always made Don smile, and the precocious lad knew that if given a chance he too could make the crowd dance and then maybe both he and they could find some happiness for a while. Scatting was Don’s first true love and he formed a duo with future wife Maggie Gyllenhaal that played weekly at the Whale until February of 1970. It was the beginning of the end for Don and Maggie,  when, as a 24 year old man what started as a shiver turned into full blown pneumonia.

RIP Maggie McLean née Gyllenhaal
RIP Maggie McLean née Gyllenhaal

Maggie died of synchronous pneumonia– a disease all spouses get when their spouse gets real pneumonia– the very next day, and Don had to push on without her. All that bad health news was difficult for Don to deliver to his parent’s doorstep, especially considering how challenging it was for his disease-riddled body to take even more more step after his release from the hospital. To make matters worse, Don’s parents had never met the woman who made him a widower, and they focused on that injustice rather than the mental and physical health of their son.

After months of recovery alone in his parents’ basement, Don McLean emerged a new man, ready to jump back into scatting and searching for a new partner in the jazz game. The morning of August 10, 1970, Don returned to the Jazzy Whale Dojo for the first time since contracting the pneumonia that killed his wife there. But something wasn’t right.

The Jazzy Whale Dojo was known for it's lack of light anywhere offstage
The Jazzy Whale Dojo was known for it’s lack of light anywhere offstage

As soon as he walked in the door, something touched Don deep inside. Was it the air that had changed? Was it the drinks and the patrons? No. It was the music. No one was skeeting, no one was scatting, and all through the bar there was not even a rat tat tatting. Don spotted his old pal Pete Hornberger and the conversation, as dictated by one Sally Gillespie to the New Rochelle Herald, went as follows:

Hey ya Pete, what happened to jazz in here man??

Ahh Donny boy, good to see you back on your feet. Unfortunately, this very morning, jazz died. It’s over son, jazz is dead, just like Maggie, and Gerald Ford, and even Cleopatra who built the pyramids back in biblical times. Things end Don, and you have to remember that. Never forget that Cleopatra is dead, okay boy?

Pete had a real fixation on Egyptian history, but didn’t have a clear idea of the actual historical facts. Regardless, Don took it to heart and vowed never to play music again.

He drove his Chevrolet pickup to the levy at the edge of town, saw some kind elderly gentlemen drinking rye whiskey at a bar nearby called the Hotel California, and decided he might as well join in. He never left, even though he always wanted to. Modern Americans don’t remember much about Don McLean, but on August 10th we must remember– today’s the day jazz music died, and aren’t we all better off for it?

This is what Don McLean would have looked like had he been a folk singer and not a former jazzman stuck forever within the Hotel California. Amazing.
This is what Don McLean would have looked like had he been a folk singer who performed into his old age and not a former jazzman stuck forever within the Hotel California. Amazing.

Top 7 Places to be Near Water

By Ezra Parter

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but you didn’t know about this one until now so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore the…

TOP 7 PLACES TO BE NEAR WATER

7. Dick’s Drive In

Dick’s may not have any boat-in locations, but if you stop by one of their many locations you can get burgers to go and take them anywhere you want, including… the water! Grab a bag o’ Dicks and head for a beach park, set up a Dick picnic, and enjoy the sweet and savory goodness of a juicy Deluxe while sitting near a body of water. That’s what summer is all about.

6.  Greenlake Bar and Grill

Wanna eat a different food near a water? Well dang friend, you can so do that! Head on over to the Greenlake Bar and Grill to sample the vast menu and enjoy Happy Hour prices during Happy Hour! If it’s not Happy Hour, the prices are not discounted like they are during Happy Hour. Sorry in advance.

5. Alki Beach

Beach is in the name, so you know it’s right next to water! In this case, that water is the northwestern coast of West Seattle.  There’s sand there if you’re into that sort of thing, and even better? The sea gods have yet to claim the walkways as part of their aquatic domain, so you can still walk and breathe there at the same time!

4. Madison Park
On a sunny day, there’s no better place to sunbathe or people watch than Madison Park. The beach is always packed with people of all ages, from babies to granddads, and you can be one of them if you’re so inclined! Speaking of inclines, the steep 400 ft slope from playground to beach is the perfect buffer against rising tides. Plus, the kids and elderly folks will be much easier targets for Neptune’s foot soldiers, so you’ll have a leg up when the time comes.

3.  The University of Washington Botanical Garden

So many beautiful plants, so little time! When Poseidon, Neptune, and friends finally decide to take Seattle into the great depths of the Marianas Trench they’ll surely start with these gardens. What better way to decorate Atlantis than a vast assortment of trees, flowers, and shrubberies? Don’t say paintings. Poseidon hates paintings.

2. The Center for Wooden Boats

Boats! Boats! BoatsBoatsBoats Boats! You know that song about shots? It’s important to update the lyrics of popular songs to reflect the concerns of modern times, and right now all we should sing about is how we’re going to survive the coming Seapocalypse. If you or a friend already own a boat, go get on that. If you don’t, head to this South Lake Union museum and pray that Neptune’s legions don’t know how to use fire. They do know how, so you’re totally screwed, but you can pray anyway. At least you’ll have some semblance of a feeling of control in your final moments, no matter how false and fleeting it may be.

1. The Space Needle

It’s tall, and you’re going to need to get to high ground when all the boats burn. Run. The ocean is coming for us all.

Aerial 4

Here Now Some History– #17: The Northwest Ordinance

By Ezra Parter

July 13th may not register with the everyday man or woman as a significant date in history, but in the Pacific Northwest, the date lives in infamy due to one earth shattering event, one game changing decision, one divisive act that set the stage for the whole region’s existence. And now’s the time to we tell the tale on Here Now Some History:

The year was 1787. The day was July 13. We’ve covered that. Focus not on what that date was, because it quite clearly was July 13, 1787, but rather on what occurred on that date and how significant its implications and fallout have been to the region we call home. Now pay attention:

The Congress was Continental. The Ordinance was Northwest. The Crown was inconsequential because revolution was already had. Yes, on this very day some score and number of years ago, the Continental Congress passed the Northwest Ordinance and brought our great region into the newly formed United States of America.

Some said it could never happen. There were riots in the streets, tar and feathers flying through throngs of common folk demanding that before Congress establish new territories on the Pacific they focus on recovering from war, distancing the nation from French allegiances, or maybe even considering settlement in nearby Ohio, but the 13 delegates knew better; The Northwest was a region that could not be left to idly exist without congressional leadership.

Let it not be forgotten that prior to the Northwest Ordinance, there was no precedent for adding states to the Union. George Washington Carver’s presidency was off to a tumultuous start, what with Aaron Burr’s murder of first First Lady Alexandra Hamilton (everyone forgets ol’ George had a wife prior to Martha) and the mysterious disappearance of financial wizard Alex Jon” Hamm, but congress knew that time would prove their supposition of expansionist power to be for the best, so they acted as only they could: with pen, paper, and lawyerisms.

The actual document that officially established the Northwest Territory is confusing, as it seems to have laid out improper borders. It stated, The Northwest Territory shall be lain out as follows: To the North, the greatest of lakes. To the South, a river known only as Ohio. To the East, the mountains of Appalachia. And to the West, the great watery divide known as Young Mrs. Sip. For it is and for it shall be known. Signed, Tommy J Jeffdawg Jr. the 9th and GW Peanut Brittle’ Carver. Evidently, CS Lewis and Clark Gable had not yet returned with accurate maps of the new territory.

But fret not dear reader! Once the rioters calmed down and the tar was power-washed from the streets into the ocean, the new territory was subsumed into the union with open arms and smiling faces. From that day forth, granola, marijuana, and grunge music had a place in America that they would never relinquish.

And even better? The Northwest Ordinance set the precedent that Congress could bring new states into the union with the provision that slavery was not legal within them, setting the stage for everyone’s favorite historical moment:  the very civil War of 1812.

But that’s a tale for another time. For now, sit and simmer in the knowledge that your northwest territory only exists because the Continental Congress made it a priority all the way back on July 13, 1787.

IMPRV News 9 at 8 Live at the Slate Theater

July 9, 2016 featuring Chris Mejia, Anthony Householder, Molly Tollefson, and Jeff Nickels.

Using headlines and guests suggested by the audience, Bryant, Tanya, Fabian and their guests delved deep into the biggest issues facing the nation today!

Jeff prepared a slideshow for Fabian’s field report based on the University District Jack in the Box, as requested by Chris. Check out the images from that out below! And visit our Facebook page to view all the photos taken by Elena Martinez during the show!

 

 

 

Top 7 Places to Eat a Cheeseburger

By Ezra Parter

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but you don’t know that this listicle is the only listicle you could ever want to read. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore the…

TOP 7 PLACES TO EAT A CHEESEBURGER

#7 Dick’s Drive In

If you’ve ever pissed off a frat bro, you’ve heard the phrase eat a dick, but I bet you didn’t realize that was just an honest recommendation of a great place to eat a delicious cheeseburger. With several locations, you’re never too far from a Dick’s drive in and you can eat a cheeseburger right on the curb there or in your car or something! Plus, they taste pretty decent.

#6 The QFC in Queen Anne

Some grocery stores have fantastic menus of food, and some just have a great picnic table. The QFC in Queen Anne falls under the latter category and, well, the table is fantastic. Some picnic tables are wood, some are composite, but this one, baby, it’s a goddam tree stump fashioned into the shape of a table with benches. Many people believe it to be just your standard wooden picnic table. Don’t let them fool you, it used to be a tree stump.

#5 Japonessa

Fact: Sushi isn’t a cheeseburger. Also a fact: You can eat a cheeseburger in a sushi restaurant if they don’t have a policy against it. Third fact: Japonessa is a sushi restaurant that may or may not have an anti-cheeseburger policy. Put those three facts together and there’s only one conclusion to come to: Japonessa is the 5th best place to eat a cheeseburger in Seattle!

#4 The Pike/Pine Corridor

They may not sell cheeseburgers on the street there, but the Pike/Pine Corridor is a fantastic place to spend time chewing on cheese and beef. There’s plenty of people watching to do AND plenty of people to watch you. It’s a real win-win situation no matter what condiments you like!

#3 KEXP Headquarters

It’s new, it’s beautiful, and it’s a fantastic place to spend time with your favorite sandwich: the cheeseburger! Now some folks might try to tell you that a cheeseburger isn’t a sandwich but those people are dumb. Kill them.

#2 Gasworks Park

There’s so much grass, and you can put your little butt right down on that grass while you chomp away at your little buns! Don’t bring a big burger to gasworks. Things have been known to happen to big burgers there. I don’t want to get specific for fear of retribution, but I will say this: werewolves don’t keep kosher. It’s totally irrelevant, but I wanted to say it.

#1 Your Mom’s House

If you’re anything like me, you have a mom! So ask her to make you a cheeseburger and spend some quality time with her. She misses you. She birthed you, the least you can do is let her make you a cheeseburger once in a while you ungrateful rube. If you’re not like me, well, I’ll never understand you and frankly I don’t care to.

Well there you have it! The Top 7 Places to Eat a Cheeseburger in Seattle! Hope you get out there and enjoy. And hug your mom fast before I do.

Getting Naked with Friends

Getting Naked with Friends is a sketch group that wears clothes! It’s a rare thing these days, but we do it with pride. In our show, you’ll see sketches that make you laugh, and also other sketches that make you laugh too. The main thing to know? We write funny sketches that cover topics all over the board. Right now we’ve got some in the can about drugs, some about sex, and even some about rock and roll/political dissidence. We don’t know what you’ll see on the 12th yet, but we do know this: If the New York Times reviewed us, they’d say That show was funny AND educational for all ages assuming the kids don’t mind adult language and content.

Featuring
Kayla Teel
Anthony Householder
Elena Martinez
Evan McCarty
Ezra Parter

Getting Naked with Friends

Show Description
Getting Naked with Friends is a sketch group that wears clothes! It’s a rare thing these days, but we do it with pride. In our show, you’ll see sketches that make you laugh, and also other sketches that make you laugh too. The main thing to know? We write funny sketches that cover topics all over the board. Right now we’ve got some in the can about drugs, some about sex, and even some about rock and roll/political dissidence. We don’t know what you’ll see on the 12th yet, but we do know this: If the New York Times reviewed us, they’d say That show was funny AND educational for all ages assuming the kids don’t mind adult language and content.

*Clothing not required*

*But seriously it’s encouraged, people get uncomfortable with nudity*

Featuring
Kayla Teel
Anthony Householder
Elena Martinez
Evan McCarty
Ezra Parter

Producer bio
Kayla’s a Jet City Improviser!
Anthony and Elena slay audiences as Sober Virgin!
Evan comes from Chicago’s famed Second City school of comedy!
Ezra’s a guy! He wrote this whole description and one time told a joke that people liked!

Need some examples of our humor before you commit? Check out Mad Gravity Comedy on YouTube to see what Kayla can do, or listen to Kayla and Ezra’s podcast IMPRV News 9 at 8. Go see Sober Virgin February 19th!

IMPRV News 9 at 8

Tune in every Thursday morning at 8 am to get the latest in headline news from renowned anchors Bryant Willis and Tanya Fleetwater alongside field reporter Fabian von Heezil. These hard hitting newsheads go behind the scenes to get unique insights into the weeks’ most interesting headlines from insiders with information you can’t get anywhere else.

Starring Kayla Teel as Tanya Fleetwater, Ezra Parter as Bryant Willis, and John Wachter as Fabian von Heezil.

Hear the Latest Episode:


This Week’s Headline:

Pagan Priest Granted Right To Wear Horns In License Photo

 

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