The 2016 Presidential Election season is in full swing. 16 Republican candidates remain. Apparently, there are also Democrats running too (not counting Donald Trump).
(Totally also counting Donald Trump)
As the Republican field continues to whittle down after the recent departures of Rick Perry and Scott Walker, it’s enough to make one look back 100 years when 21 Republicans vied for the candidacy that ultimately lost to the incumbent President Woodrow Wilson.
Being a resident Republican in the Seattle comedy scene, I must admit that while I believe there are some good candidates on the right, the thought constantly weighs on my mind;
“What if there were a time machine? And if there were such a machine of time, what if it worked? And if this working, time bending, piece of equipment existed, which 1916 Republican Presidential hopeful would best be suited to be transported to 2016 to become elected the 45th President of these United States of America?”
It’s a vague notion to be fair. And I concede it’s not a thought unique to myself, as I believe most obsess over this scenario daily. But it remains a mental haunting nonetheless. So, here now some 1916 Republican Candidates For President To Determine Who Would Make the Best 2016 Republican Candidate If They Were Transported 100 Years Into Their Future, Our Present, Via A Working Time Machine.
Leonard Wood: Chief of Staff of the United States Army and a Medal Of Honor Recipient. However, Mr. Wood also wore a mustache. Unelectable.
Samuel W. McCall: A member of Congress and the future (at the time) Governor of Massachusetts. However, Mitt Romney was also the Governor of Massachusetts. If the Romney comparison holds true, that means Mr. McCall looks electable. Mr. McCall sounds electable. But Mr. Romney is devastatingly unelectable. Er, Mr. McCall is devastatingly…you get the gist.
Warren G. Harding: Elected President Of The United States in 1920. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on The Constitution and term limits… So, flagrantly disregarding that he proved to be 100% electable, I must ignorantly declare him unelectable.
William Borah: His nickname was “The Lion Of Idaho.” That is incredibly cool. However, the last “William” elected to the Presidency was nicknamed “Slick Willie.” That is less cool. Thus, unelectable.
Frank B. Willis: Governor of Ohio. Electable. No relation to Bruce Willis? Sorry, Frank B. unelectable.
John Wanamaker: Former U.S. Postmaster General. During World War I, pitched that the U.S. buy Belgium from Germany. Which is a bold, bold move. But this is 2016. Bold moves are reserved only for Dancing With The Stars. And even then, it’s “Network TV Bold”, not “Cable Bold.” Unelectable.
Henry Cabot Lodge: Not just a mustache, a full beard. Full unelectable.
T. Coleman du Pont: Including the period after T, his name has 15 characters. The full Twitter limit. Typing is hard. #Unelectable.
William Howard Taft: President who was defeated by Woodrow Wilson. This would be the political version of NBC’s The Tonight Show, 2009-2010 period. With Jimmy Fallon as Jimmy Fallon. Because his boyish and youthful enthusiasm is timeless. What I’m saying is, nobody has disproven that Jimmy Fallon is an ageless, Paul Ruddian, vampire. Unelectable.
Robert M. La Follette: 18 Twitter Characters. #Unelectable. #Blessed.
(Addendum! Mr. LaFollette’s nickname was “Fighting Bob!” 11 characters only. Electable? Oops, already taken by some guy in Delaware with 2 followers and no profile picture. #StillUnelectable #StillBlessed)
Martin Grove Brumbaugh: Governor of Pennsylvania. You know who else were Governors? Rick Perry and Scott Walker. And they had less funny last names. Unelectable.
Henry Ford: The Donald Trump, the Ben Carson, the Carly Fiorina of 1916. I repeat, the Donald Trump, the Ben Carson, the Carly Fiorina of 1916. 1915, seems electable. 1916, proves unelectable. 2016…1916.
Philander C. Knox: *reads first name* *kinda misreads last name* The most unelectable of all the unelectables!
Lawrence Yates Sherman: My dad’s name is Larry. He did not run for President in 1916. You think you’re better than my Dad, Mr. Sherman? Won’telectable.
Theodore E. Burton: There’s only room for one Republican “Ted” or “Teddy” in my heart. Unelectable.
Theodore Roosevelt: We’ll come back to this one…
Albert B. Cummins: Governor of Iowa. However, the bushiest mustache yet. Unelectable.
Charles W. Fairbanks: Vice President under Theodore Roosevelt. Having seen four seasons of “Veep”, I question whether a Vice President is qualified to serve as President. Call it the Seinfeld Curse. Unelectable.
Elihu Root: Go find a picture of Elihu Root. Right now! Don’t you dare tell me that’s anything less than a time traveling Martin Freeman in (poor) disguise. Sorcery and witchcraft will only lead one towards a path of…unelectable!
John W. Weeks: Mayor of Massachusetts. A role that should only ever be designated for Mark Wahlberg. Wicked unelectable.
Charles Evans Hughes: The 1916 Republican Presidential Nominee. Who lost to President Woodrow Wilson. This is the most straightforward and honest use yet. Unelectable! No, for reals.
So with 20 candidates down, this brings us back to Theodore Roosevelt. Sure, he has already been President. Sure, that last sentence. But, and this is key, he was portrayed by Robin Williams in the Night at the Museum movies. Say what you will, Robin Williams is and will always be a treasure. Yes, even “RV” Robin Williams (thanks to multiple cable rewatches). Point being, the best Republican candidate from 1916 to bring to 2016 to run for President is Robin Williams.
Worth noting, that would also be only the 7th weirdest thing that has happened so far this election season.