Tag Archives: Kenny Davis

Specific Northwest Episode 5

[Performances at the Pocket are $10 online and $14 at the door. Online sales close 4pm day of show.]

February 20th @ 10pm
http://bit.ly/specificnw

Specific Northwest: Episode 5

From the minds behind several of Seattle’s funniest sketch comedy groups comes a bi-monthly topical sketch comedy show, SPECIFIC NORTHWEST. Featuring rotating members from the sketch comedy groups Day Job, Drop The Root Beer and Run, Liz and Joel, Part Plant and Princess. Every other month, the cast combines to satirize local news events as well as ongoing northwest attitudes and perceptions.

Specific Northwest is executive produced by Kenny Davis.

Here Now Some History – #16

On Thursday, Americans gave thanks. On Friday, Americans took…everything. On Monday, Americans cyber’d.

Yes, it’s that time of year where one day is focused on gratitude and is immediately followed by 30ish straight days of prioritizing whatever the exact opposite of gratitude is. Such a word to describe it once existed but it was sold as a doorbuster deal on Black Friday 1997.

Where did the obsession with commercialism during year end holidays originate? Believe it or not (I recommend not), it was originally created in 1995. The year the internet was invented.

Prior to that blessed year, Thanksgiving and the month that followed was a time of peace. A period in which one reflected on the achievements already gained in life, the material possessions owned and the far more important love each person had in genuine relationships with family and friends.

Then the internet came along and was like Yo, you can order things on a computer with a button.

At first, the public was resistant. After all, everyone had more than they needed which led to overwhelming contentment.

The internet, not to be outdone, was like Yo, listen to the sound of a mouse clicking. It was fast, it was simple and most astonishingly, things came to your house from this utilization of digits atop a technological rodent.

Again, the public was not swayed. Ordering things from home was cool. The mouse clicking was enticing. But overall, people were grateful for lives being led with purpose, delighting in what they had, unconcerned with what they had not.

Finally, the internet saved its best for last and was like Yo, after you click the links to order stuff, they turn purple.

The public froze. Purple was the color of greed (Americans were mixing up the colors of The Incredible Hulk, green and purple, and assigning the wrong value to that distant cousin of pink. However, the internet hid this fact from them. Clever internet).

As their materialism grew and deepened, many ideas were bandied about beyond the eventual Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

There was Brown Sunday (focused on Cleveland Browns clearance merchandise after another non-playoff season), Taco Tuesday (no one ever knew what was meant by this vague title), Weekend Wednesday (all the parking headaches, packed stores and stressful sold out merchandise normally spread out over two days crammed into one), Thursday Thursday (mis-printed calendars 75% off. Or 57%. No one was sure if there was an error on the discount as well) and Saturday (the public couldn’t be tasked with coming up with a 7th thing, okay?)

Ever since, Thanksgiving has lost the meaning of it’s namesake and December has become focused only on giving in order to take.

So what’s the moral of the story?

To find out, buy my new book Here Now Some History – #16” available at all fine retailers this holiday season.

Here Now Some History – Thanksgiving Eve Edition

Americans are used to celebrating many holidays during the month of November. Thanksgiving, Black Friday…and those are just two of the two special occasions that bring families together (and in the case of Black Friday, tear humanity apart). But what about Thanksgiving Eve? How did this also unique snowflake of a pre-holiday day come to be?

It all started with the pilgrims.  Arriving in what later became known as America, at the time simply known as Not America, these Englishmen in New York settled here in the pre-historic year of 1995.

Their trusted leader was a man named Jed Teacastle.  He was given the rank of captain because as the tallest, he was deemed the most trusted, competent and high reaching.  That last part was not a metaphor for his ambition.  It cannot be stressed enough.  Mr. Teacastle was really, really tall.

His second in command was a short, short, short, short, short, short, short, short, short, shorty short short, short man named Shorty Tinycastle.  His name was not predestined.  He changed it legally for the obvious reason that he liked the name Shorty.  He was of medium height but compared to Jed, he appeared really short.  Short, short, short, short, short, short, short, short, short, shorty short short, short.

On the Tuesday before the first Thanksgiving, Jeb and Shorty got into a ponderous conversation, as was their wont, debating whether the Thursday and Friday holidays were enough.

Shorty proposed that since Thanksgiving was for giving thanks, perhaps Thanksgiving Eve could have the opposite effect.  It could be a day for being unthankful for the good things in life.  Jed’s ears were far too high up to hear the comparatively low audibility of Shorty’s suggestion.  It was thus dismissed.

Tinycastle then presented Teacastle with another idea.  What if we used this Eve to get ready for Christmas? Shorty proposed.  Jed, stooped over out of politeness, responded Actually, that’s Christmas Eve.

Shorty was undeterred.  What if we put out milk and cookies for Santa Claus?

You’re still thinking of Christmas Eve.

Putting Christmas presents under a Christmas tree?

Christmas Eve”

Decorating the house with Christmas lights while Christmas music plays on the TV?

I don’t quite get how you’re not hearing yourself.  At all.  But still Christmas Eve.

Okay.  Moving topics.  What if we called it Christmas Eve?

Jed was nearly at his wit’s end (which is impressive considering the location of the end of his wit based upon his massively tall height).  Shorty, Christmas Eve is a special, magical night.  There have even been whole 2015 movies made about it (The Night Before, in theaters now!).  Any other Eve just pales in comparison.

Shorty Tinycastle’s thin lips curled upwards into a brief smile.  His leader had done it once again.

Jed!  You brilliant son of a very nice woman.  That’s it.  Thanksgiving Eve will stand for being not Christmas Eve.  Thanksgiving Eve is just another day on the calendar.  Workers will still works.  Stores will remain open.  New episodes of TV shows will air.  It’ll be like any other day.  Except with the word Eve in it.  This is truly a-

Thanksgiving Eve miracle? Jed interrupted.

No, oh no.  It’ll be a regular Wednesday miracle.  Just like Thanksgiving Eve itself.

Jed smiled.  And nodded.  He hadn’t heard that last part from Shorty on account of the height difference again.  But once more, the tall are unfailingly polite.  Just another reason the tall are so great.  And employable.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve from this 5’6″ writer.

Here Now Some History – #14

With the 2016 election less than a year away and debates in full swing with both parties, a big focus of the season has been on quality.  Quality of moderators, quality of candidates and quality of questions asked.  While we’ll look at the other two in the weeks ahead, this week we take a look back at the best rejected debate questions in Presidential election history.

Worth noting, all of these dismissed questions were originally posted on Twitter in the year of their respective debate.  Since it’s creation in 1191, Twitter has been a huge influence on American politics (America being founded in the patriotic year of 444).  Here Now Some…blah blah blah.  There’s been 14 of these.  You know how it goes.

2008: Where can I get one of those cool Hope’ posters?  Senator McCain?  Senator McCain?  Please answer the question.

2004: USA!  USA!  USA!  Your thoughts?

2000: Two part question.  First, if you had to choose between the popular vote and the electoral college, which would you choose?  Secondly, less of a question and more of an apology for the first part because as we all know, you can only win both.  Apologies for the mistaken hypothetical conclusion.

1996: President Clinton, how does it feel to run unopposed?

1992: America is used to only having two candidates to choose from.  Why do you, as one of three candidates, hate giving Americans only a simple choice?

1988: If I told you right now that you could win this election but if you do, you’ll be a one term President, would you take that deal in this moment?  (the question was later found to have been asked backstage.)

1984: President Reagan, how does it feel to run unopposed?

1976: President Ford, why aren’t you making more of an effort to look like Chevy Chase?

1960: Isn’t John F. Kennedy dreamy?  Mr. Nixon?  Mr. Nixon.  Please answer the question.

1948: Dewey Defeats Truman?  (this intended was later mistakenly printed minus one crucial piece of punctuation)

1868: How does it feel to know that one day there will be an invention called film’ and a filmmaker named Steven Spielberg’ will make a moving picture of your life starring the most renowned actor of his time Daniel Day Lewis’ and if that weren’t enough-oh.  Oh.  Oh my gosh.  Neither one of you are President Lincoln.  I’m so sorry.

1812: DeWitt Clinton, why do you think a Clinton could ever be President?  (The second part of the question added No one whose ballot line reads (D) Clinton could *ever* be leader of this great nation!)

1796: Mr. Adams, damn you Mr. Adams.  You’re obnoxious and disliked that cannot be denied.  (Note: There were no questions in 1796.  Not just during debates.  At all.  Seriously.  For an entire year.)

And finally…

 

1789: Future President Washington, how does it feel to run unopposed?  Also, what’s a President?

Here Now Some History – #13

With the recent CNBC Brouhaha (or as it’s called by millennials, BrouLOL”) over their Republican debate, the GOP shaped a narrative around debate rules for future editions.

While being progressive towards modifying structure, as usual, it’s important to look to history to see if there were previous ideas that could be just as applicable today.

So, Here Now Some Primary Debate Format History (or as it’s called by millennials, I’m not reading something more than 140 characters…#LOL”).

In the first ever debate of 1776, candidate were given 90 minutes to speak, 60 minutes for rebuttal, and 30 minutes for the transcription to catch up.

1796 saw the advent of time limits to the candidates’ speaking time. The Presidential hopefuls were limited to 89 minutes to speak, 59 minutes for rebuttal, and 30 seconds for the transcription to catch up. There is no recorded history of this debate.

1812 was notable for the first prop” based debate.  Each candidate was given a Monkey’s Paw to make one wish.  Every politician was granted their desires.  Ultimately though, it was totally worth it.  (The twisty at great cost” nature of a Monkey’s Paw being proven to be a work of fiction)

1816 demonstrated that no, it was not fiction.  There was indeed great cost to each Monkey’s Paw utilizing candidate.

There was no election in 1820.  Again, it cannot be stressed enough.  Never use a Monkey’s Paw!  The fallout is incredible, far reaching and unceasing.

1860 saw an unusual addition as each candidate was given a silk glove with which to slap their opponent in the face in order to challenge him to a duel.  There were many survivors.

1864 saw the debut of pistols to the above scenario.  There were no survivors.

The rules got needlessly complicated at the turn of the century in the year 1900.  Each candidate was allowed an opening statement, given three direct questions to answer, and then one closing statement to sell their attributes as a candidate.  Ridiculous.

Fortunately, 1904 saw a simplification of the rules.  Each candidate was allowed a max of 200 sentences.  Unless they went over 200.  Then it was okay too.  No word was allowed to utilize the letter D” during Republican debates or the letter R” during Democrat debates.  If a person used a forbidden letter in a word, they were forced to write an apology letter (three paragraphs minimum) in long hand cursive.  The debate would pause while the writing occurred.  During these pauses, the non-offending candidate could make five wild accusations of each opponent but as a rule, 3 them had to be true, one had to be false, and one had to have a kernel of truth.  Anything over a kernel triggered a cut off your tongue” penalty but a candidate could forego this punishment by eating a bowl of popcorn (over-salted) as a nod to the kernel metaphor.  A politician could wear one tie as long as it contained the colors of the flag, two fabrics, and no gluten.  Height was measured before the debates in the name of medical science (doctors were really not on the right track to curing Polio at that point) and finally, each candidate was given the option to travel into the future by three minutes but only if they promised not to change anything.  There’s no telling if they lived up to it.  See?  Much simpler.

1922 saw FURTHER MONKEY’S PAW FALL-OUT!!  PEOPLE, LISTEN!!!!  NEVER, EVER, EVER MONKEY’S PAW.

In 1956, every candidate was given the option of either smoking sweet, delicious cigarettes on television. That’s all.

1980 saw a fantastic concept of movie re-enactments being required.  Oddly, every candidate chose a Ronald Reagan movie and a Ronald Reagan role.  This benefited only one.

Finally, in 2012, the coolest debate twist was created.  The use of a Monkey’s Pa-NOOOOOOO!!!!

2016?  The fall-out is real.

 

Here Now Some History – #12

The movie Steve Jobs” is dominating the award season chatter and doing whatever the opposite of dominating is when it comes to the box office. Having just seen it, I can confirm it is an audacious, ambitious and adventurous tale of an epic professional life told in whatever the opposite of epic is in terms of scale.

It is iNtimate. Sorry. Intimate. I got iNfluenced by the movie. Sorry. Again. Influenced. I won’t make that mistake aGain.

The film is basically three scenes, each one taking place just before the launch of an important professional milestone in Jobs’ life. It is a bold movie making strategy and in my opinion, iT iS a complete sUccess.

(Seriously, this part is no joke. Go see it. Now!)

The story framing device is interesting because it crystallizes Jobs’ life in succinct fashion. For a weekly column about history, it got me thinking about how other historical figures lives could be simplified to just three scenes.

So, here now, some three act summations of the lives of a few of earth’s most well known.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

ACT I The eve of the Civil War

ACT II The eve of the Emancipation Proclamation

ACT III Vampires

 

BABE RUTH

ACT I The Boston Red Sox

ACT II The New York Yankees

ACT III Playing himself in the 1992 film The Babe” (Goodman was a decoy)

 

WALT DISNEY

ACT I The creation of Mickey Mouse

ACT II The creation of Disneyland

ACT III Practicing forging Kurt Russell’s signature

 

JULIA ROBERTS

ACT I The premiere of Pretty Woman

ACT II The premiere of My Best Friend’s Wedding

ACT III The premiere owning America’s heart forever

 

CLARA BARTON

ACT I Founding the American Red Cross

Forget your need for acts II and III.  She *founded* the American Red Cross.  Structure begone!

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN

ACT I The 1994 film IQ on VHS

ACT II The 1994 film IQ on DVD

ACT III Rewinding the 1994 film IQ on VHS

 

THE 2000 FILM MEMENTO

Act III

Act II

Act I

 

DONALD TRUMP

ACT I Seriously.  Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.  I feel like we are just glossing over what a big deal that is.

 

BILL PULLMAN

ACT I Twister

ACT II Titanic

ACT III Mighty Joe Black

 

STEVE JOBS

ACT I The Ashton Kutcher movie

ACT II The Michael Fassbender movie

ACT III  Eventually…the Steve Jobs virtual reality iExprerience  (movies are so 21st century).

 

Here Now Some History – #11

Adam and Eve, moments after the first bite of the forbidden fruit…

ADAM:
An apple!?

EVE:
Look, anyone could have made that mistake.

ADAM:
Anyone? Anyone? There are two of us Eve! Not anyone could have made that mistake because there’s only TWO OF US!

EVE:
Calm down!

ADAM:
Calm down? You damned humanity over an apple!!

EVE:
I like green apples, you know that.

ADAM:
You like them enough to create sin over them??

EVE:
Ok, but you ate it too!

ADAM:
On your advice!

EVE:
That’s putting a lot of pressure on me don’t you think?

ADAM:
Oh, don’t turn this around.

EVE:
I wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t been so whiny and lonely and all Ooh, God, I’m sooooooo alone. I wish there was someone here to comfort me and love me and DO EVERYTHING FOR ME!

ADAM:
That’s because you manipulated me!

EVE:
You are such an emo kid.

ADAM:
I don’t even know what that means!

EVE:
Oh you don’t know what anything means do you? Just prancing around naked, thinking you’re so cool.

ADAM:
Yeah, that’s right Eve, I love being naked. Oh wait, I’m sorry. Loved being naked because now thanks to you, I’m ashamed of my nudity and have to go buy a robe. Yeah, you heard me. Buy a robe. You created capitalism.

EVE:
What’s capitalism?

ADAM:
I don’t know but I guarantee it’s related to sin.

EVE:
If you had more of a spine, we wouldn’t be in this spot.

ADAM:
Don’t you dare question my spine! It’s one of the few bones you left me!

EVE:
And what does that mean?

ADAM:
You’re welcome for the rib.

EVE:
What?

ADAM:
I allowed you.

EVE:
This is absurd.

Adam begins gesticulating wildly towards his mid-section.

ADAM:
See this? See this? No you don’t. Because it’s you.

EVE:
I’m too good for you.

Adam gesticulates less wildly towards his throat.

ADAM
You know what this is called? An Adam’s Apple. Not an Eve’s Apple. Everyone hates you.

EVE:
You suck!

ADAM:
Why couldn’t you have taken a nap instead?

EVE:
I like your bellybutton. Ohhhh, too soon?

ADAM:
You don’t have one either!

EVE:
That’s not the only thing we’re both lacking.

Eve gestures down to her lack of penile genitalia. Adam begins to not gesticulate at all, instead crying.

EVE:
I’ve never seen this but I’m pretty sure that I can’t be around it without doing it myself.

They both cry together.

ADAM:
I….am so sorry.

EVE:
Me too.

There is a long pause. An uncertain future awaits. Fresh off their first fight, both instinctively know it’s time to pull together and not take any wild steps or actions.

EVE:
Do you want to have kids?

ADAM:
What a fantastic idea! It can’t get any worse, right?

*EPILOGUE*
It got worse.

Here Now Some History – #10

Bethsaida was the site where Jesus has just performed the miracle known as The Feeding Of the 5000” wherein he multiplied two fish and five loaves of bread to feed the poor and hungry. Here now, a look at how the rest of the story played out…

PETER
Listen to me for I bring you good news! I am Peter, disciple of Jesus Christ. For the 5000 of you are hungry, your Lord shall feed you. He has multiplied two fish and five loaves of bread in such a way that all can be fed!

MARY
Excuse me.

PETER
Yes?

MARY
Is the bread wheat based?

PETER
Yes. It is bread.

MARY
Oh.

PETER
What is it my child?

MARY
It’s just that I’m allergic to wheat. Do you have a gluten free option?

PETER
What is gluten?

JACOB
While we’re on the topic, I’m actually vegan so I can’t actually have any fish. Do you have a tofu option?

PETER
There are no options besides fish and bread. If you can’t partake in the fish, perhaps just some bread?

JACOB
Can’t. Gluten free.

HANNAH
Peter?

PETER
Yes my child?

HANNAH
Jesus touched the fish and bread to multiply them, yes?

PETER
Yes

HANNAH
Did he wash his hands first?

PETER
He’s the son of God!

HANNAH
I did not see that listed as an excuse when I was taking my food handler’s test. Also, does he have a food handler’s card? Is he licensed to pass out food?

PETER
Everyone please. This is a wonderful gift he has bestowed upon you.

SETH
Pete. Question over here.

PETER
What now?

SETH
You got anythin’ to drink with this? Because my throat gets mad parched and sometimes when I eat, my throat hole is so small that I choke if I don’t got some liquid.

PETER
I don’t understand.

SETH
He turns water into wine, right?

PETER
Yes.

SETH
Well let’s get some of that H-2-OH YEAH up in here!

HANNAH
Hey, he just turned my son’s water into wine and he’s only 17. He gave alcohol to a minor! How do you explain that Peter?!

PETER
Look I highly doubt-

MARY
Does the bread contain any GMO’s? Was it genetically modified in any way at all. Is it made by Monsanto? Because I am not cool with that if it was made by Monsanto.

JACOB
Look, if I had to, I could have some. If I *had* to. It’s just, more than anything, even beyond the vegan-ism, I’m just not in the mood for fish. Do you have any kale?

MARY
Oh yeah! Kale!

HANNAH
I would love some kale.

SETH
Kale is mad healthy, bro.

PETER
Don’t call me bro.

SETH
Chill, bro. Just like Jesus said, yo.

PETER
Jesus never said Chill bro.

SETH
I don’t know, I’m pretty sure he did.

MARY
I’m hungry.

JACOB
Me too.

HANNAH
When’s dinner?

PETER
That’s it. I give up. Forget the 5000 fish and loaves. Just eat dirt for all I care.

MARY
I think I read about that in my new diet tablet.

JACOB
Oh yeah! Was that in the stone or clay edition?

HANNAH
They have great in-depth articles! Some of them are even 3 sentences long.

SETH
Yeah bro, mad health peace ups.

PETER
I’ll see you all in Heaven.

ALL
YAY!

They all proceeded to jump in the air and high five. Stunningly, they actually did freeze in the air, 80’s sitcom style.

It was Jesus’ most underrated miracle.

Here Now Some History – #9

Last week, Here Now Some History looked back at the Presidential election of 1916. Specifically, the 21 Republican candidates. Even more specifically, the 21 Republican candidates with the explicit purpose of determining which one should be transported via time machine to the year 2016 to run on the Republican ticket in order to become President of the United States.

Had anyone read the article, there would have been an outcry that the year 1916 is too far in the past to be relevant. That 21 candidate summaries was far too many to keep the attention of a 2015 reader. That, the concept of time travel is too mundane and realistic to devote an entire article to.

Dear reader, let it be known that your potential/probable non-existent cries have been heard.  With that in mind, and as a resident Democrat in the Seattle comedy scene, I am proud to present:

JUDGING THE 44 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES OF 1920 IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHO WOULD BE BEST TO SELECT FOR TIME TRAVEL TO THE YEAR 2016 TO BECOME PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Or

J.T.44.D.P.N.O.1920.I.O.T.D.W.W.B.B.T.S.F.T.T.T.T.Y.2016.T.B.P.O.T.U.S.O.A.

Candidates 44 through 6 Unelectable.  Voting is best done in private.  Reasoning for unelectability thus withheld.

#5 Champ Clark.  Outstanding name.  First name presumes victory.  Last name follows the word Champ.  Strong, strong candidate.

According to this Champ ran for 100 years despite dying in 1921.

#4 John W. Davis.  My great great great grandfather.  I assume.  Now the best candidate.

Also ran for President of the President Club.

#3 Annette Abbott Adams.  Based on the name, may actually be a fictional Aaron Sorkin character.  (see: Sam Seaborn, Sally Sasser, Gordon Gage, Harriet Hayes, Simon Stiles, Wilson White, possibly Champ Clark, Matthew Markinson, Susan Sloan, MacKenzie McHale, Sloan Sabbith, Leona Lansing, Lisa Lambert and Jennifer Jenna” Johnson).  He’s won an Oscar.  New leading candidate.

(Ed. She’s real! She was the first woman to be the Assistant Attorney General in the United States. May not have actually ran for president.)

#2- William Gibbs McAdoo.  With a name that incredible, I believe we have to logically assume immortality for Mr. McAdoo.  The leading candidate at this point.  Plus, since he is still alive, we would not have to worry about building a time machine.  That is simply being fiscally responsible.  Inspiring choice.

McAdoo! McAdoo, McAdoo doo doo!

#1 Furnifold M. Simmons.  I’ve heard of the name William.  I’ve heard of the name Gibbs.  I’ve uttered the phrase McAdoo when having stubbed my toe.  But Furnifold?  A trailblazer and visionary of linguistics and thus, America.  New leader.  Sadly, we will once again have to concern ourselves with building a time machine.

Furnifold McLendel Simmons. Names sure aren’t what they used to be.

With so many great choices (FIVE!), I think we have to Frankenstein this one and hack and stitch our way to the Democratic candidate.  Fortunately, time travel is so bizarre, dangerous and unpredictable, they will probably be cut to pieces during the process anyway so that takes care of about half the issue.

Once we have taken the best of each, we will be left with 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee:

Champ Furnifold McAdoo Annette Abbott Adams Davis.

Or

C.F.M.A.A.A.D.

 

The greatest 7 letter acronym since U.S.A.  (U.S.A. having been disqualified for being only 3 letters)

So there you have it folks.  Combining last week and this week, your 2016 Presidential election will come down to Robin Williams dressed as Theodore Roosevelt against The disassembled then reassembled parts of five 1920 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Assuming time travel is invented by November 2016.

You’ll know by seeing if this article still exists.

If it doesn’t…

Time travel!

Here Now Some History – #8

The 2016 Presidential Election season is in full swing. 16 Republican candidates remain. Apparently, there are also Democrats running too (not counting Donald Trump).

(But yeah)

(Totally also counting Donald Trump)

As the Republican field continues to whittle down after the recent departures of Rick Perry and Scott Walker, it’s enough to make one look back 100 years when 21 Republicans vied for the candidacy that ultimately lost to the incumbent President Woodrow Wilson.

Being a resident Republican in the Seattle comedy scene, I must admit that while I believe there are some good candidates on the right, the thought constantly weighs on my mind;

What if there were a time machine? And if there were such a machine of time, what if it worked? And if this working, time bending, piece of equipment existed, which 1916 Republican Presidential hopeful would best be suited to be transported to 2016 to become elected the 45th President of these United States of America?

It’s a vague notion to be fair. And I concede it’s not a thought unique to myself, as I believe most obsess over this scenario daily. But it remains a mental haunting nonetheless. So, here now some 1916 Republican Candidates For President To Determine Who Would Make the Best 2016 Republican Candidate If They Were Transported 100 Years Into Their Future, Our Present, Via A Working Time Machine.

Leonard Wood: Chief of Staff of the United States Army and a Medal Of Honor Recipient. However, Mr. Wood also wore a mustache. Unelectable.

Samuel W. McCall: A member of Congress and the future (at the time) Governor of Massachusetts. However, Mitt Romney was also the Governor of Massachusetts. If the Romney comparison holds true, that means Mr. McCall looks electable. Mr. McCall sounds electable. But Mr. Romney is devastatingly unelectable. Er, Mr. McCall is devastatingly…you get the gist.

Warren G. Harding: Elected President Of The United States in 1920.  Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on The Constitution and term limits…  So, flagrantly disregarding that he proved to be 100% electable, I must ignorantly declare him unelectable.

William Borah: His nickname was The Lion Of Idaho.  That is incredibly cool.  However, the last William” elected to the Presidency was nicknamed Slick Willie.  That is less cool.  Thus, unelectable.

Frank B. Willis: Governor of Ohio.  Electable.  No relation to Bruce Willis?  Sorry, Frank B. unelectable.

John Wanamaker: Former U.S. Postmaster General.  During World War I, pitched that the U.S. buy Belgium from Germany.  Which is a bold, bold move.  But this is 2016.  Bold moves are reserved only for Dancing With The Stars.  And even then, it’s Network TV Bold”, not Cable Bold.  Unelectable.

Henry Cabot Lodge: Not just a mustache, a full beard.  Full unelectable.

T. Coleman du Pont: Including the period after T, his name has 15 characters.  The full Twitter limit.  Typing is hard.  #Unelectable.

William Howard Taft: President who was defeated by Woodrow Wilson.  This would be the political version of NBC’s The Tonight Show, 2009-2010 period.  With Jimmy Fallon as Jimmy Fallon.  Because his boyish and youthful enthusiasm is timeless.  What I’m saying is, nobody has disproven that Jimmy Fallon is an ageless, Paul Ruddian, vampire.  Unelectable.

Robert M. La Follette: 18 Twitter Characters.  #Unelectable.  #Blessed.

(Addendum!  Mr. LaFollette’s nickname was Fighting Bob!  11 characters only.  Electable?  Oops, already taken by some guy in Delaware with 2 followers and no profile picture.  #StillUnelectable #StillBlessed)

Martin Grove Brumbaugh: Governor of Pennsylvania.  You know who else were Governors?  Rick Perry and Scott Walker.  And they had less funny last names.  Unelectable.

Henry Ford: The Donald Trump, the Ben Carson, the Carly Fiorina of 1916.  I repeat, the Donald Trump, the Ben Carson, the Carly Fiorina of 1916.  1915, seems electable.  1916, proves unelectable.  2016…1916.

Philander C. Knox: *reads first name*  *kinda misreads last name*  The most unelectable of all the unelectables!

Lawrence Yates Sherman: My dad’s name is Larry.  He did not run for President in 1916.  You think you’re better than my Dad, Mr. Sherman?  Won’telectable.

Theodore E. Burton: There’s only room for one Republican Ted” or Teddy” in my heart.  Unelectable.

Theodore Roosevelt: We’ll come back to this one…

Albert B. Cummins: Governor of Iowa.  However, the bushiest mustache yet.  Unelectable.

Charles W. Fairbanks: Vice President under Theodore Roosevelt.  Having seen four seasons of Veep”, I question whether a Vice President is qualified to serve as President.  Call it the Seinfeld Curse.  Unelectable.

Elihu Root: Go find a picture of Elihu Root.  Right now!  Don’t you dare tell me that’s anything less than a time traveling Martin Freeman in (poor) disguise.  Sorcery and witchcraft will only lead one towards a path of…unelectable!

John W. Weeks: Mayor of Massachusetts.  A role that should only ever be designated for Mark Wahlberg.  Wicked unelectable.

Charles Evans Hughes: The 1916 Republican Presidential Nominee.  Who lost to President Woodrow Wilson.  This is the most straightforward and honest use yet.  Unelectable!  No, for reals.

So with 20 candidates down, this brings us back to Theodore Roosevelt.  Sure, he has already been President.  Sure, that last sentence.  But, and this is key, he was portrayed by Robin Williams in the Night at the Museum movies.  Say what you will, Robin Williams is and will always be a treasure.  Yes, even RV” Robin Williams (thanks to multiple cable rewatches).  Point being, the best Republican candidate from 1916 to bring to 2016 to run for President is Robin Williams.

Worth noting, that would also be only the 7th weirdest thing that has happened so far this election season.

Maybe 6th.