If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…
Autumn is officially upon us, and if there’s one thing we associate with fall, it’s pumpkins. Fall is all about pumpkin everything! Pumpkin this, pumpkin that – not to mention pumpkin spice, which I won’t again in this article. No, this is about pumpkins themselves, those orange balls so indicative of the harvest and our inevitable return to the cold emptiness from whence we came. In the meantime, though, how about we put a little fire in that gourd and let it shine out through cleverly patterned holes?
You may have some trouble figuring out how to carve your pumpkin, but have no fear. This list is here just in time to offer you the top seven ways you can add whimsy and a whiff of menace to your Halloween décor.
There is nothing more classic in pumpkins than ol’ Triangle Face. Two triangle eyes, a triangle nose, and a mouth full of triangle teeth? Classic for a reason, this is the simplest jack-o-lantern pattern. If you can stab a pumpkin, and I’m willing to bet most of you can, you can make Triangle Face.
Looking for something a bit scarier than Triangle Face? Are you into the spooky nature of the season? Perhaps you want to drive kids off your porch instead of inviting them onto it? Jagged Triangle Face might be for you. Make those teeth a little bit jaggedier and the mouth looks scaaaary. Make those eyes menacing vertical near-lines. Maybe paint the outside of the pumpkin black too. Maybe infuse the pumpkin with the soul of a demon or other ghost. Let those acute angles work for you.
Did that last one scare you? Maybe something a little more neutral. Maybe Happy Triangle Face. Maybe an oblivious grin. Keep it sunny. Ignore your impending doom. It’s ok! There’s a fake candle inside the pumpkin so we’re all warm and safe. Well, we’re at least safe – fake candles don’t give off heat, but hey, at least they’re safe. For now.
Ah hahaha so silly right? It’s silly because nothing we do matters! It’s so silly because there aren’t any spirits or ghosts, there are just us, marching ceaselessly our literal emptiness so similar to the hollowing of the pumpkin, poking holes in the carcasses of a harvest reaped for our own amusement. Why not give it a little lift in the under eye area, like it’s laughing with us, or at us. Silly, Silly Triangle Face!
Animals don’t fear their own demise because they aren’t aware of it. The animal who peacefully walks beside you as a familiar, whilst prepared to eat your face off if given the chance. And who among us wouldn’t eat the warm, still beating heart of the recently slaughtered prey? Careful on carving – balance your desire for a whisker thin slit with the realization that if it’s too thin your Triangle Cat Face, like you, will inevitably sag into unwanted, unloved, ready-to-compost Triangle Wrinkle Face.
It feels good, doesn’t it? Stabbing the pumpkin, piercing its flesh with your razor sharp instrument, crumbling the skin and pulling out the juicy insides to bake its seedy-progeny with salt and oil? Squeeze it between your fingers as you desperately cling to a life slipping by. Or maybe carve a Witch on a Broom. Hahahaha. Hahaha. Fuck it.