Tag Archives: Seattle’s Top 7

Top 7 Pumpkin Carving Designs

By Elizabeth Brammer

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Pumpkin Carving Designs

Fall is called fall because of these. Or so we've been told.
Fall is called fall because of these. Or so we’ve been told.

Autumn is officially upon us, and if there’s one thing we associate with fall, it’s pumpkins. Fall is all about pumpkin everything! Pumpkin this, pumpkin that not to mention pumpkin spice, which I won’t again in this article. No, this is about pumpkins themselves, those orange balls so indicative of the harvest and our inevitable return to the cold emptiness from whence we came. In the meantime, though, how about we put a little fire in that gourd and let it shine out through cleverly patterned holes?

You may have some trouble figuring out how to carve your pumpkin, but have no fear. This list is here just in time to offer you the top seven ways you can add whimsy and a whiff of menace to your Halloween décor.

7. Triangle Face

There is nothing more classic in pumpkins than ol’ Triangle Face. Two triangle eyes, a triangle nose, and a mouth full of triangle teeth? Classic for a reason, this is the simplest jack-o-lantern pattern. If you can stab a pumpkin, and I’m willing to bet most of you can, you can make Triangle Face.

6. Jagged Triangle Face

Looking for something a bit scarier than Triangle Face? Are you into the spooky nature of the season? Perhaps you want to drive kids off your porch instead of inviting them onto it? Jagged Triangle Face might be for you. Make those teeth a little bit jaggedier and the mouth looks scaaaary. Make those eyes menacing vertical near-lines. Maybe paint the outside of the pumpkin black too. Maybe infuse the pumpkin with the soul of a demon or other ghost. Let those acute angles work for you.

Pumpkins don't burn as easily as your hand. Be careful
Pumpkins don’t burn as easily as your hand. Be careful

5. Happy Triangle Face

Did that last one scare you? Maybe something a little more neutral. Maybe Happy Triangle Face. Maybe an oblivious grin. Keep it sunny. Ignore your impending doom. It’s ok! There’s a fake candle inside the pumpkin so we’re all warm and safe. Well, we’re at least safe fake candles don’t give off heat, but hey, at least they’re safe. For now.

4. Silly Triangle Face

Ah hahaha so silly right? It’s silly because nothing we do matters! It’s so silly because there aren’t any spirits or ghosts, there are just us, marching ceaselessly our literal emptiness so similar to the hollowing of the pumpkin, poking holes in the carcasses of a harvest reaped for our own amusement. Why not give it a little lift in the under eye area, like it’s laughing with us, or at us. Silly, Silly Triangle Face!

3. Triangle Cat Face

Animals don’t fear their own demise because they aren’t aware of it. The animal who peacefully walks beside you as a familiar, whilst prepared to eat your face off if given the chance. And who among us wouldn’t eat the warm, still beating heart of the recently slaughtered prey? Careful on carving balance your desire for a whisker thin slit with the realization that if it’s too thin your Triangle Cat Face, like you, will inevitably sag into unwanted, unloved, ready-to-compost Triangle Wrinkle Face.

2. Just Stab It a Bunch

It feels good, doesn’t it? Stabbing the pumpkin, piercing its flesh with your razor sharp instrument, crumbling the skin and pulling out the juicy insides to bake its seedy-progeny with salt and oil? Squeeze it between your fingers as you desperately cling to a life slipping by. Or maybe carve a Witch on a Broom. Hahahaha. Hahaha. Fuck it.

  1. Baby Triangle Face

Baby Triangle Face can be done either as a tiny Triangle Face on a regular size pumpkin, or a properly scaled face on a smaller pumpkin. Babies are cute, Triangle Faces are cute. Return to innocence.

Do not carve this baby with any shapes, not even triangles. His mom will kill me.
Do not carve this baby with any shapes, not even triangles. His mom would kill me.

Top 7 First Date Spots on a Budget

By Amos Annan

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 First Date Spots on a Budget

A first date has a lot of pressure attached, and you need the perfect environment to trick that special someone into seeing you again. While Seattle’s nightlife is full of great spots, not every bar or restaurant has the necessary ambiance and low price point to make an affordable first date lead to another. Fortunately, we’ve found the best destinations to further your pursuit of fornication and compiled them into this list!

7. Dick’s Drive-In

Yeah, it might be very cheap, and yeah, it might not have an interior, and yeah, it might seem classless, but if you’re on a budget and your potential significant other isn’t a vegetarian, you can’t go wrong with a juicy deluxe and fries. Take a bag on a picnic in a park and get to know your person in the great outdoors!

This lady likes paddleboarding more than she likes you.
This lady likes paddleboarding more than she likes you.

6. Agua Verde

Waterfront! Tacos! Margaritas! Make your date think they’re in Mexico at this Wallingford eatery that boasts a full menu of Mexican-inspired delicacies. And, if you’re feeling adventurous, head out into the Montlake Cut on paddle boards you can rent right there. They can’t leave early if you’re out on the water! Because they won’t want to. It’s fun out there.

5. Comedy Underground

It may seem risky, but watching live comedy is a great way to get to know another person. You can discover what makes each other laugh, introduce alcohol to the situation, and have built in conversation topics as soon as the comics get off stage. Plus, watching sad clowns whine about their loneliness is a sure way to make them realize they don’t want to be alone forever and you are, at the very least, physically there.

4. Kerry Park

It’s just a park! You can do whatever you want there at no cost aside from the cost of whatever it is you choose to do. Play a board game, do some people watching, or enjoy the parks’ expansive view of the city at sunset and let it lull you into a reverie detailing the bright future the two of you can have together. But wake up quick, that daydream won’t come true if you don’t pay attention to everything they’re saying. And even if you do, it probably won’t. Daydreams are fantasies and fantasies aren’t reality. Never forget that.

This was definitely an out.
This was definitely an out.

3. Tour Safeco Field

Don’t go to a game, those are boring and expensive! Just take a tour of the stadium and let the Mariners’ rich history of failure and culture of depression remind you how sick you’ll feel once they realize how much better they can do than you and inevitably kick you to the curb. Is it worth the couple hours you’ll spend together? Probably not, but it can’t hurt any more to try than it would not to, right? Right? Right.

2. Town Hall

For just $5, you can take in a lecture at town hall and bore them right from the start. Don’t bother trying hard to be entertaining, show them what life with you will really be like right off the bat because your heart is going to be broken no matter what. At least this way you can learn something and not completely waste yet another hour of your miserable life.

1. Calvary Cemetary

Because… fuck it.

There's really only one way to be together forever
There’s really only one way to be together forever

 

 

Top 7 Outdoor Patios

By Michael Draper

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Outdoor Patio Bars

Seattle has established itself as destination city for lovers of both food and the outdoors. So why not combine the two? Here are the top seven spots you can go for delicious food, beverage, and views of the majestic geography that defines our meaningless existence here in the city.

Picture12
This is not a Marination Ma Kai slider. Life is hard sometimes… Why wont the website upload new images today?

7. Marination Ma Kai
Take the water taxi from downtown to this West Seattle hot spot! The Korean-Hawaiian fusion menu offers a fantastic complement to the stunning view of the skyline across the water.  Enjoy a nice drink, take in the sunshine, and down some kimchi quesadillas or spam sliders if food is something you enjoy.

6. 100 Pound Clam
This new spot on the water in South Lake Union offers immaculate cocktails and a well curated seafood selection in its trendy outdoor seating area. On a nice day, watch Seattleites take to their own personal water playground on sailboats, paddleboards, and even a hot tub boat! We recommend taking a stroll down the pier after happy hour, because happiness is fleeting and you best not waste it.

5. Pecado Bueno
The fire pit at the original Fremont location is always a popular destination for those in search of colorful margaritas and authentic guacamole. The patio offers prime people watching, with no skyline or water views to remind you that you will never make something of lasting value out of your life. Bonus tip: even meat lovers crave the veggie tacos!

Rooftop Brewing serves beer. This is not beer. The internet is striking back against my search history.
Rooftop Brewing serves beer. This is not beer. When the internet will no longer cooperate, the sweet release of death feels more appetizing than veggie tacos.

4. Rooftop Brewing Company 
A literal rooftop awaits you with its lesser known views of Interbay and Queen Anne! The darker beers are especially sought-after here, but the whole menu is hand-crafted by some of Seattle’s most talented brewers. The atmosphere is so relaxing, a woman named Diedre could approach you and say I was once dead for 37 minutes and there is nothing. Complete blackness engulfs your being, as it will for eternity. There is no Great Consequence for our actions. Nothing matters. and it would not harsh your IPA-buzz. Rooftop has no kitchen, so pack some snacks.

3. Ivar’s Acres of Clams
Fish and Chips-lovers know this destination well, both for the quality of its seafood fare as well as the unmatched waterfront views. As you eat, think about the fried flesh of a once-living being you are now consuming with tartar and fries; take solace in the fact that our physical bodies will someday become a part of the Earth once again, even if our souls will not. Walk on to a ferry after finishing your meal!

2. The Pink Door
The long, dark night of the soul is approaching and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Can this really be it? You want to believe there is more, but you can’t. Your thoughts drift back to that stormy night: the windshield wipers could not keep up and you were going too fast. No amount of guilt will ever bring him back. Even if you had taken responsibility for it, his time is up. Forever. Because of you. Soon enough it will be you, too. Does this emptiness ever go away? Filling it with local microbrews and happy hour bites on sunny patios will not work, but continuing to try is the tragedy of the human experience. This place seems as good as any.

1. Westward
Ahoy! Grab a blanket and curl up by the fire pit at this upscale Northlake restaurant that’s brimming with style! Order a dozen oysters and a playful butterbean appetizer as you marvel at the Space Needle’s inspiring visage from across the lake. Need I say more? Would it matter?

Darkness. The essence of reality. The moon sure is pretty though
Darkness: The essence of reality. The moon sure is pretty though.

Top 7 Things To Ask Yourself Before You Fuck Around With That Ancient Relic

By Zak Nelson

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Fuck Around With That Ancient Relic

So you’re in creepy tomb, antique shop, or old cabin in the middle of the woods. You see an ancient relic in front of you. You say to yourself well, I would very much like to fuck around with that ancient relic. Hold on, there are some things you have to ask yourself.

  1. Does the object have any inscriptions on it?

If so, then you are good to fuck around with that ancient relic. Just do not read the inscriptions on the relic. Especially if the inscriptions are in Latin. There is a reason that it is a dead language. Because everyone who read it died.

This digger dug up a relic but didn't fuck with it even a little.
This digger dug up a relic but didn’t fuck with it even a little. Kudos.
  1. Did you dig up the relic?

Listen, that relic probably would have been better off buried. To make matters worse, you have committed a fucking with relics faux paux. Sorry, but instead of giving that relic to a museum you have to destroy it. I don’t make the rules, the Relics Fucking Association (RFA) does.

  1. Do you hear voices whenever you pick up the relic?

Ohhh shit, that relic if most definitely not to be fucked with. However, if you hold these relics gently and listen to the voices, they will give great advice on how to diversify your investments in your Roth IRA. Otherwise, the advice that they give is not very good.

  1. Is the relic an archaic puzzlebox?

Well, fuck with that relic and solve the puzzle. Otherwise those demons in the seventh circle of hell will never know how smart you are. Sure the cost may be your mortal soul, but at least it will be a demon-confirmed smart” immortal soul.

  1. Is the relic a dried animal limb?
Fuck with this skull and you might lose yours. No promises.
Fuck with this skull and you might lose yours. No promises.

With a dried animal limb comes the burden of wishes. Whether it be a monkey’s paw, a jaguar’s foot, or a tapir’s toe, the animal limb will grant you three wishes but twist them in ways you never thought possible. The most fun you can have with these dried animal limbs isn’t the wishes, but making these animal limbs do uncharacteristic things. Haven’t you always wanted to have a monkey and a gorilla high five?

  1. Are you going to be defacing a mummy’s tomb?

This is not advisable unless you are best friends with Brendan Fraser.

  1. Do any of these relics belong to the Wu-Tang clan?

Don’t do it. Wu-Tang’s relics ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

They keep the relics beneath the DJ booth. Try not to fuck with that.
They keep the relics beneath the DJ booth. Try not to fuck with that.

Top 7 Hiking Destinations

By Ezra Parter

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Hiking Destinations in and around Seattle

7. Rattlesnake Ridge

Just a short 30 minute drive east from the city center, Rattlesnake Ridge offers a challenging hike for novices and a nice change of pace for those with a little more experience. With expansive views and a great variety of flora to explore, there’s always something intriguing to look at. Are there rattlesnakes there? No, but the name sure is alliterative!

Whatever you do, do not go in that building. The Falls are too pretty.
Whatever you do, do not go in that building. The Falls are too pretty.

6. Snoqualmie Falls

Who doesn’t love waterfalls? Who doesn’t love rhetorical questions? Better yet, who doesn’t love rhetorical questions about waterfalls!? The park rangers at Snoqualmie Falls, that’s who. They prefer to be able to answer hikers’ questions directly and concisely, by telling them about the history of the area or the best time to see the Falls at their largest. Hint: It’s springtime, because the snow melts into the river.

5. Carkeek Park

Not every hike has to be outside the city! Some are within city limits, like the trails at Carkeek Park. While there isn’t a mountain or lake at the end, there are plenty of great spots to dig! You shouldn’t hide anything too valuable there as the park is just as easy to access for kids and transients as it is for you, but what do I know? I just write about this topic for a living. You should trust me.

4. Smith Tower

It may not typically be considered a hike, but walking up every flight of stairs at Smith Tower is a significant challenge to your legs so it qualifies. Plus, if you go down to the basement, turn left at the men’s restroom sign, and enter the door labeled Janitor, you’ll find yourself in a dirt room perfect for burying treasure. The room spans eleven city blocks, so you’re sure to find some unused space. Don’t break the unwritten code: leave anything you find right where it was. The guards are always watching.

Mount Rainier is not as close as this image makes it look. You do have to hike there
Mount Rainier is not as close as this image makes it look. You do have to hike there

3. Mount Rainier

The summit is beautiful in the summer, like an unwashed gourd in an empty orchard struck just so by a ray of subtle moonlight. And speaking of moonlight, if you follow the light of a full moon as it bounces off of Reflection Lake you’ll be guided to the spot Roy Olmstead hid his bootlegging profits during prohibition! It’s empty now, but there’s plenty of space to stash your stash and the rock door still works if you can remember the incantation to awaken its ancient magic. It’s Beer before liquor, Roy Olmstead is quicker. And also a better bootlegger than you, Ralph. He liked to keep his staff humble.

2. Rachel Lake

Named for Rachel Marshall of Rachel’s Ginger Beer, Rachel Lake offers a treasure-burier an opportunity unlike anywhere else. Just an hour and a half east of the city, the titular lake at the end of the trail is the only lake on Earth with tunnels that lead directly to a former Native American burial chamber hidden directly below the water. While initially used to entomb leaders of various local tribes, the chamber has become a haven for pirates and hoarders alike. The ginger beer still flows like water, but according to testimonials Rachel herself hasn’t visited in centuries. Be sure to use a very distinctive X when you mark your spot to avoid any confusion. Sometimes it gets crowded down there!

1. The Bank

I won’t presume to know which bank is right for you, but all of them have great vaults to hide your stuff in. Plus, you don’t have to drive, hike, dig, or anything! Take an Uber, check your treasure in with the teller, and go about your day. Now that’s what I call living the good life! I have simple passions.

Maybe don't trust the teller if it's this guy.
Maybe don’t trust the teller if it’s this guy.

Editor’s Note: Don’t bother to look for Ezra’s treasure in any of these locations. He’s a blog writer, he doesn’t have any. Seriously. This isn’t a ploy to protect it or anything. 

Top 7 Places to Score Free Food

By Michelle Wen
If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

The Top 7 Places to Score Free Food

They say there is no such thing as a free meal, but others would argue this depends on your risk tolerance, stomach strength and how much you need to get off the grid and hide from a cruel world that just doesn’t understand you. Here are 7 ideas for how to frolic in the garden of earthly delights that is Seattle.

Yum! This assortment at Pike Place is free if you steal it right.
Yum! This assortment at Pike Place is free if you steal it right.

7. Pike Place Market
This is a degustation experience. A shot of MarketSpice cinnamon-orange tea. Several laden spoons of Ellenos yoghurts marionberry pie, chai, and lemon curd. A dozen generous slices of juicy peaches, mangos, apples, and such from the grocers. An assortment of duchilly hazelnuts, chocolate covered cherries, crostini in olive oil and dips, some cubes of fresh-made cheese.

6. The Burke-Gilman Trail
From apple trees nested under the Lenora Street Walk near Pike Place to plum trees at Mercer and Taylor, the city is just full of free food in the Summer. The Burke-Gilman Trail has blackberries, apples, fennel fronds and other herbs useful for potions and such. If you’re anything like me, your old hands and powdery bones get tired. You can enjoy a little rest by the river bank. There are plenty of bushes around.

This stuff is literally in dumpsters. Go get it!
This stuff is literally in dumpsters. Go get it!

5. Theo Chocolate
You may find yourself patching up a gingerbread door with this stuff, or gluing your marzipan windows in place. Yes, it’s chocolate! At this factory, you can take a tour and learn a lot about construction. If you don’t use it for ballast, the chocolate is still good and will make a great lure for anyone who wanders by you in the forest.

4. Your office
Unless you work in the dank shadows of nightmare, a vile cesspool of corporate malfeasance, or a Starbucks, most workplaces offer complimentary coffee and tea. Try boiling up a nourishing stew of coffee, tea, and 7 hour energy drink. For a festive twist, add in some mushrooms picked from the nearest greenbelt (the red ones with white spots are good), and let it sit for 3 weeks in an outhouse. It’s filling once you build a tolerance, and handy to have around for more difficult marks.

3. Selected dumpsters at a location close to you
There are literally bins overflowing with food just waiting for you! You can even try pet store dumpsters to pick up treats for your loved ones. My fur baby Beelzebub likes anything with maggots. You’ll be going at night so bring a head torch, a wreath of garlic, and a wooden stake. After you pick out the things you want to keep, you can drop off some bits and bobs for others to stumble across. Be sure to wear gloves.

2. Weeds – like Dandelions

Don't blow the dandelions. This just creates more. Goddam children.
Don’t blow the dandelions. This just creates more. Goddam children.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Truly, there is nothing is more rewarding than being one with nature. If you and your friends like to transform into crows and go flapping about eating organic things, you should make a day out of it and give back to the community.

Don’t just perch on that overgrown burial mound waiting for passerby, do some weeding! Although unwelcome growing around a gravestone, you can make good use of this greenery. Try rolling it into a cigar-like object and smoking it. It has medicinal properties and can help with your mouth sores and guilty conscience, if for some reason you allow one to develop.

1. Air
Eventually after many seasons of clean living, your virtuous lifestyle will help you attain nirvana (a cool thing that started in Seattle). This means you subsist solely on air and moisture from the rain that falls non-stop 10 months out of the year. Most commonly grown hydroponically indoors. You won’t have to worry about pesky children nibbling at your candy house or capturing any new friends because you’ll be naught but a noxious cloud of smoke.

This could be you rising over the treetops!
This could be you rising over the treetops!

Note: Readers, we are advising you to make origami out of the social contract not to burn it up entirely. So please, do not steal from community gardens, do not take vicious bites of your co-worker’s sandwiches, and do not move back home to freeload off your poor parents.

Top 7 Summer Cocktails

By Erin Ingle
If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…

Seattle’s Top 7 Summer Cocktails 

It’s hot! We’re thirsty! We’re not sure we like the direction our lives are going! Let’s drink!
These cocktail recipes are perfectly palatable for a Seattle summer. You can find these tiny masterpieces at many fine local purveyors, or fix them up at your home bar for major cool points and mad props on Pinterest.

Ilana put her mimosa in a water bottle so she could drink it in public. Then she filled the bottle back up with water.

7. Midday Mimosa
-1 part dry white wine
-1 part San Pellegrino Aranciata Rossa
Serve on the rocks in a stemless plastic wine cup.

A cool twist on the classic Mimosa with much less pretense and no need for brunch. Plus you can drop the plastic cup and not get kicked out of the party!

6. Meteor Shower
-1.5 oz dark rum
-3 oz Coke (or Diet)
-1 oz shaved coconut

Pulse rum, Coke, and one cup of ice in the blender. Stir in coconut flakes and serve in a Collins glass, garnished with a slice of star fruit.

Refreshing as nightfall on a hot summer’s eve. Much like an actual meteor shower, this drink will surely impress your friends but seldom be worth the trouble!

5. The Mendhi Ceremonial
-1.5 oz whiskey
-1 oz lemon juice
-1 pinch Jaljeera powder (spicy!)
-1/8 oz henna ink
Shake with ice and serve in a martini shell.

This nod to the colorful Indian wedding ceremony will be a hit at your party, and the henna stains on your guests’ mouths and hands will keep them talking about you for weeks!

Donald drinks and drives. You should not be like Donald.

4. The Donald
-2 oz Slovenia brand vodka
-1.5 oz carrot juice
-1/4 oz Goldschläger
-baked potato
Slice baked potato in half and hollow out. Shake potato innards with liquid ingredients. Serve in hollowed potato skin cup with a rolled up $20 bill for a straw.

Some of these bad boys aren’t for everyone.

3. Hot Vodka Gatorade
-1 bottle Gatorade (any flavor)
-1 bottle vodka
Leave all ingredients outside. Pour contents of each bottle back and forth into the other bottles’ mouth. Serves two.

This simple recipe practically makes itself! And without risk of ice melting or glasses spilling, it’s a perfect bev to take on the go.

2. American Oil
-12 oz Unleaded gasoline
Serve room temperature in an old foil pie pan.

At under $3/gallon, how can we resist this timeless classic? It smells like summer road trips and tastes like hazy memories, just beyond the reach of our consciousness.

1. Deck Punch
-1 part whiskey or whatever
-1 part tequila or something
-a wine
buncha soda, is this Sprite?
Dump all ingredients into red (or blue!) Solo cup, fill to top with a paw full of melty ice from the soda bucket.

is fine.

Don’t let your dog drink alcohol like Greta here. She’ll never live this down.

Top 7 Wi-Fi Passwords That Don’t Work at Caffe Ladro

By Michael Draper
If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore the…

Top 7 Wi-Fi Passwords That Don’t Work at Caffe Ladro

Seattle is known as a place for coffee, and there’s no better place to relax with a laptop for work or pleasure than a coffee shop. Each shop has a unique wi-fi password that says a lot about its values. Here’s the top 7 wi-fi passwords we’re glad do not work at the Caffe Ladro in Fremont:

7. LadroFremont

Let’s be real, this one just isn’t very creative. A wi-fi password is your chance to show the world what you think an important string of letters and/or numbers would be. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Aerial 4
Creativity in a Coffee Shop is just plain better.

6. PatriarchyRulez

Thank goodness this password does not grant us access to the vast expanses of the worldwide web! Even if Ladro was trying to be ironic with this one, this is still a major no. Replacing s’ with z’ is usually pretty awesome, but not while women still make 79 cents to every dollar a man makes.

5. DumbledoreKillzSnape

Can you imagine if this worked? This would not only spoil a beloved literature series, but we are not completely sure it is accurate. Bonus points for the z replacement, though. We can see where they weren’t going with that.

4. ThisCoffeeIsOverpriced

No one complains about spending $4 for a coffee anymore, so why even bring this up? Thank you, Ladro, for not reminding us about the relative price of our favorite drink.

3. BlackCoffeeMatters

This lady didn't know the password either. Her name was Sheila. Or Shyra? Can't remember. She doens't know we took a photo.
This lady didn’t know the password either. Her name was Sheila. Or Shyra? Can’t remember. She doesn’t know we took a photo.

Holy shit, we nearly lost it as our laptop attempted to connect to the vast expanses of human knowledge using this password as its entry ticket. Thankfully it did not work. We believe that Black Lives Matter, and are happy to report that we cannot rule out that the proprietors of Caffe Ladro agree.

2. AdamAndTeaNOTAdamAndSteve

Just because marriage equality is the law of the land does not mean everyone is on board with it. While we’re disappointed this password would not grant us access to that sweet, sweet wireless fidelity internet, it would show a lack of human compassion on the part of this lovely establishment so that’s good.

1.YouReallyShouldPostThePasswordOnTheWall,WeDon’tWantToInteractWithTheBaristaAgain

Does punctuation even work in a WEP key?
Well, we are happy to report that these 7 passwords showed no signs of working at Caffe Ladro in Fremont. We’ll stop at a Starbucks with unprotected wi-fi on the way home to post this.

Top 7 Comedy Open Mics

By Layth Sihan
If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore the…

TOP 7 COMEDY OPEN MICS

It’s kind of funny to visualize the Seattle comedy scene as a three-legged dog, not only because it needs to be put down but also because there are three legs it stands on: Improv, sketch, and stand-up. Stand-up mics are the easiest to countdown, so here we go:

 Every Thursday at the tiny Fuse Box, an out of the way biker bar on Aurora, you’ll find The Asylum. Whether you want to watch, participate, or laugh at people pursuing their dreams, this open mic is probably the most fun you’ll have in a bar the size of a tool shed. The max capacity of the room, in all seriousness, is 5 or 6 people. That’s what makes it kind of great to go up there. You’re always performing to a packed house. Even so, while it’s not impossible to bomb there, it has been done, and it is as awkward as you think it is.
Ozzie’s is a great location for an open mic. There’s a stage, a great sound system, and usually a crowd of people who are not comedians there. It’s the kind of open mic that really tests the mettle of your jokes. Why is that, you ask?
Well, it’s just that some can rise to the occasion of a 2 for $7.00 PBR special while others can only attempt it.

 

Scratch Deli puts on a great open mic for people who want to see comedy in Capitol Hill. Every Friday night its spacious dining area, which feels a lot like your weirdest uncle’s living room, morphs into Seattle’s best alternative comedy room. Well, sort of: they put chairs out for an audience. And the performers? They’re what we call in the business, and by business” I mean a craigslist ad for a new roommate, 4/20 friendly.

4. The Comedy Nest
Not many rooms in Seattle are as in tune with the present political climate as this one. It’s a safe space and also a good place for anyone seeking shelter from the storm of dick jokes you’ll run into basically anywhere else. Crowd work is forbidden to make the audience feel more comfortable. It’s not your typical room, but the crowds are diverse and usually pretty big. If you can manage a good set here, your material is either really well-suited to the room to the point of pandering, or you’re what they call a good comic.

3. The Landfill
This open mic is held every week at the Seattle Landfill. There
are a lot of seagulls here, and they make so much noise it will bring you to tears. If you are not strong and do not stand up to the seagulls, they will literally poop on you. Actually, that cannot be avoided. Plus, there are so many seagulls living out their entire life cycles at the landfill that seagull carcasses will fall out of the sky at random. The worst thing about this mic, despite the noisy, poopy, and/or dead seagulls, are the performers. It’s easily some of the worst comedy in Seattle.

2. Neuralized Comedy
Neuralized Comedy was a Saturday open mic and there may have been a good crowd. The funny thing is no one who attended the first week remembers how the first show went or where the venue was or even if they had been there. A couple of the attendees swear they were there, even if they’re not exactly sure where there” was, but their memories of exact events are blurry. I feel like I was there, but I also feel like it could have just been swamp gas, possible attendee Kirk Dewglass was quoted as saying. It remains to this day a mystery whether or not this mic ever existed.

1. Sinbad Express
This is a restaurant that makes baller-ass Mediterranean food. If you are ever there and you are drunk, and you are talking really loudly, and some people are laughing at the things you are saying, and maybe some other people wish you would shut up, then technically it is not just a restaurant it is also your own personal open mic. You’re welcome for the head’s up.

See adjacent text.

Top 7 Places to be Near Water

By Ezra Parter

If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but you didn’t know about this one until now so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore the…

TOP 7 PLACES TO BE NEAR WATER

7. Dick’s Drive In

Dick’s may not have any boat-in locations, but if you stop by one of their many locations you can get burgers to go and take them anywhere you want, including… the water! Grab a bag o’ Dicks and head for a beach park, set up a Dick picnic, and enjoy the sweet and savory goodness of a juicy Deluxe while sitting near a body of water. That’s what summer is all about.

6.  Greenlake Bar and Grill

Wanna eat a different food near a water? Well dang friend, you can so do that! Head on over to the Greenlake Bar and Grill to sample the vast menu and enjoy Happy Hour prices during Happy Hour! If it’s not Happy Hour, the prices are not discounted like they are during Happy Hour. Sorry in advance.

5. Alki Beach

Beach is in the name, so you know it’s right next to water! In this case, that water is the northwestern coast of West Seattle.  There’s sand there if you’re into that sort of thing, and even better? The sea gods have yet to claim the walkways as part of their aquatic domain, so you can still walk and breathe there at the same time!

4. Madison Park
On a sunny day, there’s no better place to sunbathe or people watch than Madison Park. The beach is always packed with people of all ages, from babies to granddads, and you can be one of them if you’re so inclined! Speaking of inclines, the steep 400 ft slope from playground to beach is the perfect buffer against rising tides. Plus, the kids and elderly folks will be much easier targets for Neptune’s foot soldiers, so you’ll have a leg up when the time comes.

3.  The University of Washington Botanical Garden

So many beautiful plants, so little time! When Poseidon, Neptune, and friends finally decide to take Seattle into the great depths of the Marianas Trench they’ll surely start with these gardens. What better way to decorate Atlantis than a vast assortment of trees, flowers, and shrubberies? Don’t say paintings. Poseidon hates paintings.

2. The Center for Wooden Boats

Boats! Boats! BoatsBoatsBoats Boats! You know that song about shots? It’s important to update the lyrics of popular songs to reflect the concerns of modern times, and right now all we should sing about is how we’re going to survive the coming Seapocalypse. If you or a friend already own a boat, go get on that. If you don’t, head to this South Lake Union museum and pray that Neptune’s legions don’t know how to use fire. They do know how, so you’re totally screwed, but you can pray anyway. At least you’ll have some semblance of a feeling of control in your final moments, no matter how false and fleeting it may be.

1. The Space Needle

It’s tall, and you’re going to need to get to high ground when all the boats burn. Run. The ocean is coming for us all.

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