Top 7 Things To Ask Yourself Before You Fuck Around With That Ancient Relic

By Zak Nelson

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The Top 7 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Fuck Around With That Ancient Relic

So you’re in a creepy tomb, antique shop, or old cabin in the middle of the woods. You see an ancient relic in front of you. You say to yourself “well, I would very much like to fuck around with that ancient relic.” Hold on, there are some things you have to ask yourself.

  1. Does the object have any inscriptions on it?

If so, then you are good to fuck around with that ancient relic. Just do not read the inscriptions on the relic. Especially if the inscriptions are in Latin. There is a reason that it is a dead language. Because everyone who read it died.

This digger dug up a relic but didn't fuck with it even a little.
This digger dug up a relic but didn’t fuck with it even a little. Kudos.
  1. Did you dig up the relic?

Listen, that relic probably would have been better off buried. To make matters worse, you have committed a fucking with relics faux paux. Sorry, but instead of giving that relic to a museum you have to destroy it. I don’t make the rules, the Relics Fucking Association (RFA) does.

  1. Do you hear voices whenever you pick up the relic?

Ohhh shit, that relic if most definitely not to be fucked with. However, if you hold these relics gently and listen to the voices, they will give great advice on how to diversify your investments in your Roth IRA. Otherwise, the advice that they give is not very good.

  1. Is the relic an archaic puzzlebox?

Well, fuck with that relic and solve the puzzle. Otherwise those demons in the seventh circle of hell will never know how smart you are. Sure the cost may be your mortal soul, but at least it will be a demon-confirmed “smart” immortal soul.

  1. Is the relic a dried animal limb?
Fuck with this skull and you might lose yours. No promises.
Fuck with this skull and you might lose yours. No promises.

With a dried animal limb comes the burden of wishes. Whether it be a monkey’s paw, a jaguar’s foot, or a tapir’s toe, the animal limb will grant you three wishes but twist them in ways you never thought possible. The most fun you can have with these dried animal limbs isn’t the wishes, but making these animal limbs do uncharacteristic things. Haven’t you always wanted to have a monkey and a gorilla high five?

  1. Are you going to be defacing a mummy’s tomb?

This is not advisable unless you are best friends with Brendan Fraser.

  1. Do any of these relics belong to the Wu-Tang clan?

Don’t do it. Wu-Tang’s relics ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

They keep the relics beneath the DJ booth. Try not to fuck with that.
They keep the relics beneath the DJ booth. Try not to fuck with that.

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