By Zak Nelson
If you read the internet, you know about listicles, but this one is better than the rest so get hyped. Every week we count down the top 7 in various categories about the great city of Seattle. This week we explore…
The Top 7 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Fuck Around With That Ancient Relic
So you’re in a creepy tomb, antique shop, or old cabin in the middle of the woods. You see an ancient relic in front of you. You say to yourself “well, I would very much like to fuck around with that ancient relic.” Hold on, there are some things you have to ask yourself.
If so, then you are good to fuck around with that ancient relic. Just do not read the inscriptions on the relic. Especially if the inscriptions are in Latin. There is a reason that it is a dead language. Because everyone who read it died.
Listen, that relic probably would have been better off buried. To make matters worse, you have committed a fucking with relics faux paux. Sorry, but instead of giving that relic to a museum you have to destroy it. I don’t make the rules, the Relics Fucking Association (RFA) does.
Ohhh shit, that relic if most definitely not to be fucked with. However, if you hold these relics gently and listen to the voices, they will give great advice on how to diversify your investments in your Roth IRA. Otherwise, the advice that they give is not very good.
Well, fuck with that relic and solve the puzzle. Otherwise those demons in the seventh circle of hell will never know how smart you are. Sure the cost may be your mortal soul, but at least it will be a demon-confirmed “smart” immortal soul.
With a dried animal limb comes the burden of wishes. Whether it be a monkey’s paw, a jaguar’s foot, or a tapir’s toe, the animal limb will grant you three wishes but twist them in ways you never thought possible. The most fun you can have with these dried animal limbs isn’t the wishes, but making these animal limbs do uncharacteristic things. Haven’t you always wanted to have a monkey and a gorilla high five?
This is not advisable unless you are best friends with Brendan Fraser.
Don’t do it. Wu-Tang’s relics ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.